The Jerk Report: Week 6

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The NFL season, including playoffs, is now about 25% of the way done... It’s scary but somehow it always sneaks up on me and before we know it, it’ll be the middle of January and we’ll be watching the Wild Card games. Before it gets all doom and gloom, though, let’s remember it’s still only week 6 and there are plenty more Witching Hours to come before we say goodbye to Scott Hanson.

Goddamnit, Scott Hanson. You handsome devil. I bet you smell like pine trees and Lagunitas IPA.

Week 5 Biggest Loser: Referees Twitter blew up not just once, but twice when Tom Brady and Derek Carr got the benefit of the doubt on two egregious “Roughing the Passer” penalties. While the Chiefs ultimately pulled out the W, the Falcons got absolutely screwed out of a potentially huge upset, and the refs are to blame for it.

Week 5 Biggest Winner: Dallas Cowboys Sooo Cooper Rush is the truth. The man is simply a winner and has led Dem Boyz to 4 straight wins since Dak got injured in the season opener. Despite Rush being a winner though, I can’t imagine there’s going to be much QB controversy once Dak gets back. I mean Cooper Rush barely threw for 100 yards last week against the Rams. While Rush has been manageable, the Dallas Cowboys defense deserves 90% of the credit for their success the past month, and their special teams unit deserves the other 10%.

Onto Week 6... Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Pittsburgh Steelers - 10 AM PST The Steelers got embarrassed by the Buffalo Bills in what will probably be the biggest blowout of the year. I think this season could get off the rails quickly for the Steelers if another blowout happens here which I believe it will. The Bucs are closer to the Bills in caliber then people are giving them credit for, so I’ll go with the Bucs -8 here.

Sorry Guisele. Gronky will always win.

Cincinnati Bengals @ New Orleans Saints - 10 AM PST This week has a couple of weird games like this one where it is a cross conference. I feel like I’ve never seen these teams play against each other in my life and I can’t even picture this game in my head. What I do know, though, is that Joe Burrow and Ja'Marr Chase have had a ton of success in this building and the Bengals need to bounce back after an L on SNF against a divisional rival. Bengals -2 all day... this could be a lock of the week

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Indianapolis Colts - 10 AM PST I know it looks like the Jags are back to being the Jags, but I still believe they’re on the rise. I’ve outed the Colts as one of the worst teams in the league and even though they’re technically .500, I still think they are atrocious. Matt Ryan could die at any moment and this game could be the game where it happens. Jags +2.

New England Patriots @ Cleveland Browns - 10 AM PST On paper it makes no sense but this game is giving me major over vibes. I know it makes no sense, Jacoby Brissett and Bailey Zappe in a shootout, but sometimes in gambling you just gotta follow your gut. Over 43.5 and if you want to pick a side, I’d lean towards the Browns -2.

New York Jets @ Green Bay Packers - 10 AM PST This is another “don’t think just throw” game. The New York Jets are coming off a huge win and according to Billy Football on PMT, the Jets’ Rookies were heard saying “we’re so good” amongst themselves. That is NOT what you wanna be saying heading in to Lambeau Field against Rodgers. Packers re-enter the Super Bowl contender conversation after routing the Jets at home this week. Packers -7.5.

Baltimore Ravens @ New York Giants - 10 AM PST This is another tough, weird matchup since I’ve once again never seen these two teams play. The Ravens have been a bit lackluster as of late and the Giants are pretty much on top of the world after their victory over the Packers in London. Taking the home dog is the right play here, especially since they’re 4-1 and haven’t showed any signs of being frauds. Give me the Giants +5.5 and +205.

Minnesota Vikings @ Miami Dolphins - 10 AM PST Okay, I promise this is the last weird ass game that I have no read on. The Vikings have been playing pretty well but can’t seem to cover a spread to save their lives. Kirk Cousins usually balls out in these 10 AM games but I think we’ll see him struggling in Miami since he won’t be in his usual dome in Minnesota. Dolphins +3.5 over the Vikings.

San Francisco 49ers @ Atlanta Falcons - 10 AM PST I’ve been saying it for the past 2 years now but Jimmy G is a great NFL quarterback and now there’s no denying it. At home, on the road, controlling the ball, or leading a comeback, Jimmy G can do it all for the Niners. This may be an emotional bet, but I’m gonna ride the hot hand and go with Jimmy G no pick and Niners -5.5.

Carolina Panthers @ Los Angeles Rams - 1:05 PM PST This game is kind of similar to the Jets @ Packers except the Panthers have absolutely no redeeming qualities. Panthers just fired their new coach and the Rams are being written off after dropping back to back games despite being Super Bowl champs. Rams -10 is almost too easy.

"Fuck, I wish this was college football." - Baker. Probably.

Arizona Cardinals @ Carolina Panthers - 1:05 PM PST The Seahawks have been exciting through 5 weeks. I’ll admit that. But the fact that people are saying Geno Smith is actually good and should have been a starter his entire career is insanity. Geno is not a good QB and at some point he’ll make that known to the world again. The Cardinals need a W to keep their playoff hopes alive so I’ll bite the bullet with the juice and take AZ to win at -145.

Buffalo Bills @ Kansas City Chiefs - 1:25 PM PST As brilliant as the NFL is at scheduling, this one is the ultimate head scratcher. Unless your team is playing in the later slate, the 1 PM games are supposed to be for a nap, quick walk outside to touch grass, go out and grab lunch, and now we’re all just going to be glued to our couches even more than we normally are. A good spin zone for this is to just think of this game as an extra Primetime game. Throw this game on the main TV, bet Bills -2.5 and let the other stinkers on Red Zone play out on the smaller side TV.

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