The Jerk Report: NFL Week 2

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Intro

After getting our balls tickled for 3 weeks of shitty preseason games, football is finally back. Week 1 was absolute gambling chaos as we saw big favorites in San Francisco, Cincinnati, Tennessee, and Denver all go down. In these previews going forward I’ll pick one big winner and loser each to recap. As they should, winners first

Week 1 Biggest Winner

Kevin O’Connell and the Minnesota Vikings Even though the Vikings ended up being favored by the start of this game, the Minnesota Vikings impressed last week. Juszyn Jefferzyn looked unstoppable and the Griddy is still sick as fuck. The Packers offense looked terribly average, but their defense that got hyped up all off season got picked apart easily by Kirk Cousins, which is never good. I’m shocked to see the Packers still as favorites to win the NFC North, and wouldn’t make fun of anyone taking the Vikings at + money to win the division.

Now to week 2…

Chargers @ Chiefs - 9/15 Thursday Night Football

Let’s all take a minute to applaud the genius organization that is the NFL. Deliver a masterpiece of an opening weekend, followed by a Pete Carroll vs Russell Wilson revenge game, and then we look to the schedule and we get Chargers Chiefs?! Absolute brilliance by Commissioner Dictator Goodell. As for the game, this one is tricky. I think the public will fall in love with Justin Herbert and forget all about how his star receiver, Keenan Allen, won’t be on the field for this one. Meanwhile, a slightly above average rush defense in the Oakland Raiders bottled up Austin Ekeler last week and we learned the Chiefs are still the Chiefs as they routed Arizona in the desert. I’d lean Chiefs ATS and obviously take the over in this one for fun.

New England Patriots @ Pittsburg Steelers - 10 AM PST

Oh how the mighty have fallen… For the past 20 years we watched these two blue bloods clash with their franchise quarterbacks, Tom Brady and Big Ben. Now with Tom Brady becoming addicted to Botox in Tampa and Big Ben dead (RIP), these two teams are led by young bucks in Mac Jones and Mitch Tribusky/Mason Rudolph/Kenny Pickett. Honestly, I think both of these teams should be considered dog shit until proven otherwise. Bullet to the head, I take the under in this game, but history tells us Bilichick will go into his cave, draw up some defense we’ve never seen before, and make Mitch Trubisky look like… well… Mitch Trubisky.

Cincinnati Bengals @ Dallas Cowboys - 10 AM PST

While most people might view this game as a snooze fest, I see a lot of intrigue in this game. Burrow looked sketchy last week turning the ball over 5 times, and I’m interested to see how the Cowboys react to the Dak injury. I would LOVE to see Jerry Jones say fuck it, trade for Jimmy G, and try to hold things together until Dak gets back. On the flip side, I’d also love to see Jerry Jones give Prescott the middle finger and tank for Bryce Young or CJ Stroud. Sadly, the Cowboys will probably limp their way to 2-5 until Dak returns in week 8 and proceeds to go 7-3, keeping Dallas in Purgatory for another year. I like a teaser for this game with Cincy/Under.

Washington Commanders @ Detroit Lions 10 AM PST

The Hard Knock sweethearts fought hard but fell a bit short last week to the Eagles while the Carson Wentz led Commanders snuck out a win versus Carolina. In my opinion, there is no good reason the Lions should be favored in ANY game, even if it’s against the Commanders. I like the Commanders in this game, and my bookie can keep the points. Washington has too many weapons on offense in Scary Terry, Curtis Samuel, Antonio Gibson, and rookie Jahan Dotson for Jared Goff and the Lions to keep up with.

New York Jets @ Cleveland Browns 10 AM PST

Two historically atrocious teams will face off in a historically horrible city on Sunday. Once again I can’t bring myself to bet on a team as bad as the Browns when they’re laying 6.5. While both these QBs are disgustingly average, I think they’ll both manage to score 20 points this week which is why I’ll be taking the over (40) in this game. I also think these two shitty teams will be turning the ball over and making special teams mistakes, which will allow for good field position for the team who happens to be on the right side of those blunders. I wouldn’t be surprised if we see a defensive touchdown in this game too, which always helps overs.

Carolina Panthers @ New York Giants 10 AM PST

If the New York Giants lost against the Titans last week, like they should have, this game's spread would be flipped and the Panthers would be -2. Baker Mayfield as the underdog in New York screams big headlines and Baker will either shine or piss the bed entirely. I’ll bet on Baker rising to the occasion, and beating a Giants team that probably shouldn’t be favored. Once again, my bookie can keep the points.

Indianapolis Colts @ Jacksonville Jaguars 10 AM PST

Last week both of these teams fought hard and fell short in very close games. The Jags definitely impressed me more as I saw the Colts tie (deserved to lose) against Davis Mills and the Texans. I think Matt Ryan still has some stink on him from Atlanta and the Colts will be playing A LOT of close games this season. Because of this, I’ll be on the Jags +4 at home and will probably buy a half point. Lawrence, Etienne, and Christian Kirk looked promising in week 1 and I think the Jags have a little something going on down in Florida.

Miami Dolphins @ Baltimore Ravens 10 AM PST

As a Tua Truther, it pained me to see him take down Bill and the Patriots so easily last week. Tua being surrounded by Tyreek, Waddle (amazing TD celly btw), Chase Edmonds, and led by Mike McDaniels is certainly promising, but I don’t think it will be enough to keep up with Lamar and the Ravens. LJ balled out last week and is obviously playing with a chip on his shoulder after Baltimore refused to sign him to a long term deal. I think Lamar continues his “prove it” run, but I’m more confident in taking the over (44.5) with the amount of play makers that are going to be on the field.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ New Orelans Saints 10 AM PST

This morning game will be sure to attract many viewers as two Hall of Fame quarterbacks clash for first place in the NFC South. The Saints have one FIVE (5) regular season games in a row versus the Bucs, which is an eye popping stat. However, we all know you don’t get rich betting against Tom Brady, but fuck it I’m going to do it anyway. Maybe I’m just horny to announce my favorite bet in sports, but I think the move in this game is Tom Brady to throw a pick. Whether this hits or not, it is in my opinion the most thrilling bet in football. Ride or fade, I’m on TB12 to throw an INT. (Also would lean under in this game)

Seattle Seahawks @ San Francisco 49ers 1:05 PM PST

As a Bay Native, this game is everything to me. This is our season. If the Niners lose as 9.5 favorites to our divisional rival Seattle the rumors will start swirling surrounding Trey Lance’s and Kyle Shanahan’s future with the organization which is the LAST thing any 49er fan wants to hear. With the Seahawks coming off an emotional win versus Russ on Primetime and SF coming off a bad loss in Chicago, my initial gut reaction is to take the Niners. The Niners are laying 9.5 in this game, though, a number they couldn’t even get over against the fucking Bears. Against my best judgment, I’ll still be riding with Trey Area in this game. 9ers -9.5.

Atlanta Falcons @ Los Angeles Rams 1:05 PM PST

This may come as a surprise, but I could see the public falling in love with Marcus Mariota this year and forgetting the fact that the Rams one the Super Bowl 7 months ago. Despite getting embarrassed against the Bills on opening night, I still think this Rams team is on top of the food chain in the NFL and they’ll prove that at home this Sunday against the dirty birds. Laying 10.5 is brutal, so I’ll take Rams TT over 28.5.

Arizona Cardinals @ Las Vegas Raiders 1:25 PM PST

So both of these teams did not look like what we’d expect last week, especially on the offensive side of the ball. Carr threw 3 picks for the Raiders, and Kyler’s lil legs weren’t quick enough to outrun the Chiefs pass rush. Still the Raiders laying 6 in this game is just a flat out bad line. The Cardinals are still a good football team with an electric QB that 20 NFL teams would happily take on their team, including the Raiders. As of right now, the Cardinals +6 is my play of the week and I will also be on the Moneyline.

Houston Texans @ Denver Broncos 1:25 PM PST

I learned my lesson with Nathanial Hacket/Russell Wilson/the Denver Broncos, and, call me crazy, but I think Davis Mills is a legit QB in the NFL who can win some games for the Texans. 10 points is a ton of points to give up for a team who just lost their opener to Geno Smith. Give me the Texans +10 in Denver with a sprinkle on Texans +400.

Chicago Bears @ Green Bay Packers 5:20 PM PST

Chicago coming off an emotional win while the Packers are coming off against a tough loss? In primetime? In Green Bay? C'mon guys… Packers -10 because if you take the Bears in this one and they get crushed you look like a fuckin moron.

Monday Night Football Tennessee Titans @ Buffalo Bills 4:15 PM PST

The Titans defense looked abysmal against a bottom tier NY Giants offense last week while the Bills ran up and down the field against the defending Super Bowl champs. This game is too tough to call so I’m throwing my hands up in the air and hoping Josh Allen plays well for my fantasy squad.

Monday Night Football Minnesota Vikings @ Philadelphia Eagles 5:30 PM PST

This is another tough game for me to judge since both of these teams have been drooled on by the media the past few months. No one really knows what kind of player Jalen Hurts is, and we all know Kirk Cousins chokes in Primetime. I do like both of these offenses, though, so my plan is to load up on JJ and AJ Brown props and take the over as well. Also, might as well throw in my favorite bet and add Kirk Cousins to throw a pick in this game