The Jerk Report: Week 3

Get all of Danny's picks here!

---

After a historically wild week 1, week 2 did the impossible and matched the high standards that week 1 set for us. Rather than seeing touchdown underdogs win outright, week 2 had multiple 20 point second half comebacks, rivalry smackdowns, and the Lions (yes the Detroit Lions) putting up 40 in a win! After enjoying the first two weeks of sitting on our asses for 10 straight hours, let’s see if week 3 will be able to deliver as well. But first, winners and losers.

Jalen Hurts probably looking at Kirk Cousin's limp dick primetime performance, while thinking how much better he is than Tua and Mac. Probably.

Week 2 Biggest Winner Jalen Hurts and the Philadelphia Eagles Okay, I know this was the Monday night game but I don’t give a fuck. People need to start respecting the SHIT out of Jalen Hurts. And I’m not just saying try to trade for him in fantasy respect, I’m talking MVP respect. The man has been perfect through two weeks and just finds a way to win football games whether it be through the air or on the ground. He took a pretty ass Philly team to the playoffs this year, and now that they’ve upgraded on both sides of the ball, I think Jalen is poised for a Super Bowl run with the Birds.

Week 1 Biggest Loser: The Indianapolis Colts I know people always joke “Oh Bama or Georgia could beat the Jaguars this year, blah blah blah”... The Georgia Bulldogs actually might be able to put up a fight against the Colts this year. The Colts are stuck in a revolving door of picking up below average veteran QBs who are 3+ years out of their prime. I’m not a Colts fan by any means and it still frustrates me watching them throw away talent in Jonathan Taylor, Darius Leanord, and Michael Pittman Jr. To week 3...

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cleveland Browns - 9/22 Thursday Night Football After week 1, I thought the Browns might kind of be good with the way their defense played, but after watching them give up 31 to the Jets there is no way they’ll earn my trust again until about week 6 if they manage to play well. With that being said, I’m not a huge fan of the Steelers either. My opinion is, they might as well throw Kenny Pickett in there and see if he can sling it or not... They’re just kicking the can down the road with Mitch. I was looking at some props for this game and one that stood out to me was the Steelers team total (TT) over 16.5. That’s embarrassingly low for a team that just let up 31 to the Jets so, sadly, I’m riding

with Mitchel Fuckin’ Trubisky.

Buffalo Bills @ Miami Dolphins - 10 AM PST The game of the week... after seeing the Dolphins come back down 21 in the 4th Quarter, everybody is going to be asking the question about whether or not they are for real... and fuck it I’m buying in to TuAnon. He gets so much heat for no reason and finally when he gets a competent offensive coach and some play makers he shows he can do what he did at Alabama. The Bills have to come back down to Earth eventually... right? Dolphins +6 and ML +200

Bills vs. Dolphins

• Bills -6
• Dolphins +6

Baltimore Ravens @ New England Patriots - 10 AM PST

Oooooh boy. Like I said above the Ravens blew a huge 4th quarter lead against the Phins last week. I think the Ravens have something to prove in this game. Meanwhile the Pats are coming off a butt-ugly win against the Steelers.The Pats offense is dogshit with 0 player makers who are capable of putting up with Lamar and the ‘Vens. Give me Baltimore -2.5.

Cincinnati Bengals @ New York Jets - 10 AM PST The Bengals have looked abysmal through 2 weeks, dropping games to the Steelers and a Dak-less Cowboys. This game is so simple I’m absolutely terrified of the pick. Look, yes the Bengals have been shit, but you simply don’t make money betting on the New York Jets every week. Jets coming off an emotional win with the Bengals coming off two bad losses screams bounceback game for Joe Brrrr. Hungry dog runs faster; Bengals -6.

New Orleans Saints @ Carolina Panthers Both of these teams are terribly average but I’m struggling to find a read on this game. This game has major blow out vibes but I have no idea which team is gonna blow out which. This game just seems pretty boring to me but if I absolutely had to place a bet, it’d be Christian McCaffery to anytime TD scorer +100.

Detroit Lions @ Minnesota Vikings - 10 AM PST I was the biggest hater of the Lions during the pre-season. I didn’t buy into Dan Campbell’s hoorah bullshit and I truly thought it’d be the same old Lions. As a man of integrity, I will admit my shortcomings. While I still don’t buy into Campbell’s corny ass hype up speeches, I do buy into Jared Goff and the talent around him. I like the Lions to continue their run, covering the spread (+6) and maybe even winning this game outright as +210 ML dogs.

Kansas City Chiefs @ Indianapolis Colts - 10 AM PST After bashing the Colts as my biggest loser there’s no possible way I can pick them against the red hot Chiefs. KC has proved through 2 weeks that even without Tyreek they still belong atop of the food chain. 5.5 is a weird number, though, so I plan to stay away from this game on Sunday.

Las Vegas Raiders @ Tennessee Titans - 10 AM PST Aside from the Bengals, the Raiders are probably the best winless team in the NFL. They should’ve beat the Cardinals but Kyler Murray had rookie mode on and somehow pulled out a W in Sin City. On the flip side, I think the Titans are hot trash. Tannehill is halfway out the door and I think Malik Willis will be the starter for the Titans by week 8. At some point they’ll have to realize Tannehill is not the guy, and this game will bring them one step closer to Malik Willis. Give me the Rrrrrrrrrraiders -2.

Philadelphia Eagles @ Washington Commanders - 10 AM PST The Commanders just gave up 40 to the Lions... This game might be trap city but I’ll put my money where my mouth is on future MVP Jalen Hurts. Birds -6.5 all day.

Houston Texans @ Chicago Bears - 10 AM PST

This is the game that will be shown maybe 3 times all day on RedZone. 2 of those times will be horrible pick 6’s by both quarterbacks, Justin Fields and Davis Mills. The Texans have been getting a lot of buzz after these two weeks and I’m scared I’m buying into it too much, so I’m going to fade myself and pick the Bears -2.5 in this game. Buyer beware, I have 0 confidence in this game and might not end up betting it at all.

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Los Angeles Chargers - 1:05 PM PST This line shocked me a lot. Yes the Jags have to travel cross country, but with Keenan Allen most likely out with a hammy injury and Justin Herbert fighting through a rib injury, I think 7 is too many points to give up to an exciting young Jacksonville team. I’ll take the Jags +7 in this one with a banged up Chargers squad. Green Bay Packers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers - 1:25 PM PST This is a great afternoon game that will draw in all the viewers on Sunday afternoon. Both these teams' receiver cores are really banged up and neither offense has been as explosive as we’ve seen in the past. The Bucs just signed Cole Beasely to their practice squad, proving how dwindled down their WRs are. This game is a complete toss up, but at the end of the day Rodgers is taking care of his body naturally, while Brady is pumping botox into his face bi-weekly. I think the Packers even the playing field here and both teams will roll into week 4 being 2-1. I’ll take the Packers -105 to win this game.

Atlanta Falcons @ Seattle Seahawks - 1:25 PM PST This game might end up deciding who gets the #1 overall pick next April. Both these teams are so so so dogshit it makes me not want to take a side in this game. Being the degenerate I am, this is physically impossible for me to do. The Seahawks just got their asses kicked in SF and I think they blew their load a little too quickly beating Russ and the Broncos on national television in week 1. I’ll take the Falcons to get their first win at -110.

Los Angeles Rams @ Arizona Cardinals - 1:25 PM PST The Super Bowl champs have not looked like themselves 2 weeks into the season. This game feels like it will come down to the wire, so I’ll take the home dog getting a field goal in a divisional battle. Cardinals +3.5 is the smart play here,

San Francisco 49ers @ Denver Broncos - Sunday Night Football The Broncos O-line is almost trying to get Russell Wilson killed at this point. He’s getting sacked left and right against below average defenses in the Seahawks and Texans. The 9ers HATE Russ and I think their pass rush is going to dominate him - and maybe even kill him. Jimmy G and the 9ers go into Denver and win this game outright. SF ML -120.

View Danny's BlackBook Profile